Guess where I went last night.....

My husband and son kept pressuring me to go and visit and old friend whom I had not seen a long time. I called this friend to setup a time to meet and found out she had relocated to an area I heard of but had never been. I really needed to see her so I ventured onto unto new territory.
When I arrived I went into an immediate panic because the people around me looked quite rough. So did I, but my rough is ‘a week over due for a relaxer and too lazy to put on make up’ rough. They looked like ‘I just beat up my girlfriend’s husband’ rough. And I’m talking about the females. Let me continue.
As soon as I get out of the car I feel a vibration under my feet all the way up my back. Thumping vibrations that make me think some is throwing large rocks. So I pick up my speed and head to the door because now I hear volatile screams about bitches and money. I dare not turn around in fear someone is talking to and or about me. I rush inside to see my friend.
We greeted each other with a big hug. I sat down and we start to talk. I thought the conversation was going well unit she took this small object and started stabbing me in my head. Shocked from her quick movements I am paralyzed and speechless. I manage to squeal a little and my friend (so I thought) apologized and went to the cabinet and mixed up some cream to ease my pain.
Did I mention my friend is an older woman? You know older people will go off in a snap. You must be careful and respectful at the same time; very tricky. She has done this to me before. I knew she would eventually calm down so I let her put the cream on my head.
FIRE! They tell you to scream fire when you are being attacked instead of help. People will be more prone to help. Probably to make sure their stuff is ok (digressing again sorry). FIRE! What the hell did she just put on my head?! Forget fire can someone help me? “Oh I’m sorry baby; let me get that off your head”.
I would have run out but her niece (one of the beat down girls) came to assist. She held me down while her aunt turned on what felt like a fire hose to rinse the ‘salve’ out of my head. You know old people call everything salve.
The fire is out but my old lady friend has the shakes and now I am soaked. “Oh no! Brang her ova here so I can dry her off”. Tiny ‘the Bone Crusher’ grabs my arm and holds me down near her aunt so she can dry me off. I don’t resist because for one I’m scared. And two I can’t leave now I’m wet and I am sure I will need to pick of pieces of my hair and scalp off the floor for evidence when I go to the police.
I sit there while she dries me off for what feels like hours. My hair is dry but I now have third degree burns on my ears and the back of my neck. Ms. Ella sees the tears in my eyes and offers me comfort. She tells me she’ll make me pretty again and that everything will be all right. I believed her until she pulled out these medal rods and put them under fire.
“Is this really necessary?” I think to myself. Do I really want to sit here and let shaky hands put hot medal rods to my head? Just when I get up to leave, run actually, then hide, Tiny stomps over and tells her aunt to sit down, she will take care of me. I don’t even blink, five minutes later done. I am free to go. Grab my stuff and I’m out of here. Now I remember why I do not come to see Ms. Ella as often as she’d like.
Finally at a stop light I am able to reposition myself and get comfortable. I rose up to adjust myself in the seat when I see someone with big hair in my backseat! Surprisingly I do not scream but do a double take in the rear mirror wear I first saw the creature. WTF?!
Is this really happening to me? Am I driving home with my hair shellacked on both sides of my head with rooster spiked curls on the top? Does Tiny think this is cute or did I just get punked?
No I wasn’t being punked. Tiny sent me home with her masterpiece 3 in 1 hairdo. Including freshly wrapped bangs, frozen bumper curls on the side, and freeze dried surfer waves on the top. I know this is Florida but DAMN!
Needless to say I will be staying home from now on, minding my business as I study to become a “kitchen tician”.